14: Treatment #3 is done so I'm halfway home!

April 8, 2004

Shame on me! Mom took me to my 3rd treatment yesterday and I didn't take any pictures! Sorry Mom!

The treatment went fine but I still have this darn cold so it's hitting me a little harder than last time. Hopefully the next few days will prove to be OK. I am on an antibiotic (again) and I'm sure that will help. The good news is I'm half way home!!! Three more to go and then I'm all done that phase. Yeeha!

Emotionally I've been doing OK, but a bit more down than usual. I just really don't want to do this anymore - I want to be normal again (well, OK, I've never been "normal" but you know what I mean). I don't want people to worry about me anymore, or feel sad for me. I know that's impossible - even I feel sad for me some days - and I am so blessed to have so much love being sent my way! But I just don't feel like me right now and I miss me!

My dear friend Cheryl called me Tuesday night to see if I wanted to go out to karaoke with her and Jetta - an invitation I would have snapped up in a heartbeat under any other circumstances! But because I have a cold and it was the day before my next treatment, I had to say no. I cried (thanks for the shoulder Cheryl). And I'm putting on weight - what's up with that! A big part of that is the lack of exercise because I had a cold all the time, but I know I'll be able to fix that once it (stays) warm long enough to get the bike out.

OK - so not the most positive chapter but an honest one (as usual). Once I get rid of this awful case of the fuck-its ... it'll be smooth sailing! ;>)

13: Seem to have caught another bug ...

April 1, 2004

Well, I seem to have caught some sort of bug that doesn't want to go away. Yesterday was the 3rd day of not feeling well and I was pretty miserable. Had hot and cold sweats (mostly cold), a major headache and was exhausted all day. Kevin took me to the doctor's in the afternoon to make sure I was OK. My temperature was actually low, they took some blood and my counts were fine - I've just got a virus of some sort. Tis the season I suppose!

I woke up this morning with a headache and a scratchy throat so will rest as much as possible today as well. No better day for it with all this rain!

12: More Music Therapy (you can't get too much)!

March 28, 2004

What an incredible weekend! Kevin and I went up Montréal to visit the Wheaton's. I was invited to coach Jennifer's quartet, Four the Fun of It, and it was just wonderful working with such a responsive and great group of ladies! Later in the day Lori and Andy came over and we all sang and ate and talked and ate and drank and ate and laughed until it hurt ... and ate! Needless to say we were treated like royalty! What else would you expect from the Wheaton's, eh?

11: Thank you to Boston Accent!

March 21, 2004

I wanted to take the time to publicly thank Boston Accent for being so understanding of my need to step down from the quartet. It was a difficult decision to make but with everything that is going on, I had to stop and truly prioritize my life, and right now I need to focus my energy on family and getting well.

Cheryl, Tricia and Karen have been very supportive of my decision, which is wonderful (thank you ladies!). I offered to stay with them through the two spring contests (HI and SAI) but knowing that the pressure might be taxing on me, and because they were ready to move on to the next phase (understandably), they recently held auditions and have found a wonderful new baritone – a woman named Julie from Sweet Adelines. The quartet still plans on being dual members of both organizations which I think is great! You can never get too much barbershop!

And a thank you to Adele Penkul, original bass of Boston Accent, for inviting me to come play with them in the first place! :>)

Thank you all for your continued support and thank you Boston Accent for the great times (and friendships)! I wish you continued success in the future and will be the one in the front row screaming for you to kick some you-know-what at contest! :>)

10: Feeling Well and Excited About Some Things!

March 20, 2004

OK. Four things I am VERY excited about!

1. I'm feeling really well! I felt horrible last week from a cold and had no energy at all. My blood counts were probably low so Dr. Poulin prescribed me an antibiotic and bam ... it helped tremendously! So I'm "just me" right now and that's wonderful!

2. My daughter, Brittany, came home for a few days over spring break and we hung out today shopping in downtown Portsmouth. Bought incense and candles. Fun!

3. I signed up for Relay for Life put on by the American Cancer Society. I'm putting together a team that will camp out at Portsmouth High School in late May and between all of us we'll be walking the track for 18 hours, raising money before hand, and having an amazing time.

4. I purchased the web address, www.breastcancerstories.com and will be building a community for people to share their breast cancer stories! Each person (for free) will receive an area where they can post journal entries and photos and whatever they want. It will be such a great outlet for them to share their stories, and for others to get better educated. There will also be a complete resource section with information on support groups, cancer facilities, cancer websites, hat companies, etc. Over the next few weeks I'll be asking local hospitals/cancer centers to help offset the costs of the site. If you have an interest or an "in" let me know!

Spring is in the air (despite all this weather crap).!

9: Feeling Pretty Good After Treatment #2!

March 15, 2004

I'm going to make this short and sweet. The 2nd treatment didn't hit me nearly as hard as the first one ... THANK GOD! The day after the treatment (Thursday) I felt completely normal and the 2 days after that I mostly just felt tired.

If this is a sign of things to come (in the words of D Dyer) bring it on! But hurry up because I really don't feel like playing this game anymore. ;>)

8: Treatment #2

March 10, 2004

My second chemo treatment was SO much easier than the first in that the anxiety was no longer there. I'm sure I'll still feel pretty crappy over the next couple of days but that's OK ... I now know what to expect. The whole process takes about 4 hours, between meeting with the good doctor, getting weighed in (I HATE that part), connecting your IV, giving you the pre-pain meds and then zapping you with the chemo meds. As you'll see they try to make you very comfortable while you're there, including a wonderful woman who gives you Reiki. I slept for a solid hour after she finished her session with me. Very low stress this time around and I have to think it will play a part in how I feel over the next couple of days.

7: The Buzz Cut

March 8, 2004

OK, so the hair started to fall out very sporadically a few days ago, and because it was so distracting to me we decided to just go ahead and cut it off. I couldn't bring myself to shave my head bald, but I think we got awfully close! Ryan, my wonderful son, was the photographer (thanks bud!) and Kevin, my amazing husband, was the barber (thank you Baby!). Both felt weird about doing it ... we all did actually ... but they knew it was important and continued to show their incredible support and strength ... even when I started to get a bit teary at the beginning.

The rest of the day as a whole started off pretty rough, but we spent it at Kevin's parent's house celebrating their 51st wedding anniversary with the rest of the McCoole clan and that was great. They tried to talk me into keeping my hat off, but it still feels too knew and too weird so I opted to keep it on. I'm sure I'll be more comfortable over time. My nieces (Maggie, 3 and Molly, 5) are pretty excited about my going bald because I told them they could draw on my head! When I showed up yesterday and still had hair they were disappointed (they cornered me wanting to see how it looked the moment I arrived) and even suggested we just go ahead and draw on my forehead for now. But we'll wait a few weeks to make sure they have lots of drawing room. Too damn cute.

The following pictures are emotional for me. I know it's just hair but it really struck a chord and it was hard not to shed a few tears yesterday. I'm feeling more comfortable today and I'm sure each day will bring even more comfort. Next treatment is this Wednesday -- I'll write more after that.

6: Music Therapy

March 8, 2004

Music has more healing power than anyone could imagine. Saturday, March 6th, I had the pleasure of spending the entire day with 100 high school girls from all over NH, teaching them barbershop music and preparing them for a show that evening at Portsmouth High School. Each year, my dear friend, Eric Rothenburg, invites music students from all over NH to participate in the NH High School Barbershop Festival, and this year I was honored to have been selected to be the director for the girl's chorus. What an amazing, fulfilling, healing and exhausting day it was! Thank you Eric!

Following are a few pictures from the day and evening. I hope you enjoy them!

5: Oh my GOD My Hair is Falling Out!

March 4, 2004

How totally bizarre ... my hair is starting to fall out! I knew it would - that's what they told me - but I guess it just didn't feel real until I looked down at the hair in my hands. It's early yet and really only comes out when I pull at it a little (still no big clumps on the pillow in the morning) but God it's weird. And I feel bummed about it! All joking and preparing aside, I'm gonna be frickin' bald in a week or so ... yuck!

My husband keeps telling me I'm going to be sexy as hell when I'm bald and my eyes will probably light up even more than they do now. Isn't he a doll? I know he's trying to make me feel better -- sometimes it works and sometimes I just feel like being crabby. And all the while he is supportive of whatever I need to do or however I need to be. Couldn't imagine going through this without him ...

Marty from my chorus made me a VERY cool hat to wear at contest, but she finished it this week in case I needed it for a performance this Saturday. It's the NH High School Barbershop Festival taking place in Portsmouth and I'm the director this year of the girls chorus ... I am so excited! My chorus is also going to be performing for the first time with me as their director, which is equally as exciting ... it's going to be a big day! I'm hoping my hair will hang on for a few more days but in case it doesn't, I have my hat. :>)

That's all for now - I'm sure bald pictures are right around the corner.

4: Feeling SO Much Better!

March 2, 2004

It's been too long since I've written ... and that's actually a good thing! I've been feeling so good that it's almost weird. I went from feeling like hell and NOT looking forward to 5 more opportunities to feel this way, to so wound up and ready to tackle the world that I couldn't sleep! Kevin is after me a bunch (thanks Baby) to get me to rest more, but I just don't want to.

I've got too much to do!

Ya know, I've never been a very spiritual person, but over the last few years spirituality has entered into my life. I have absolutely no regrets that this has happened to me. It's opened my eyes and my mind a bunch. I feel so blessed that I am where I am in my life!

I really need to thank my dear friend Richard for that. At a point in my life, I was very sad, and I asked Richard why it "felt" like God or someone was handing me wonderful gifts, but then they made so many demands on the relationship / friendship that it ended up failing. Richard answered me very simply ... "It's because you're making the wrong decisions."

What he said to me changed my world. And with that said, you'd think I'd look at this journey as if I had made yet another bad decision. But I don't feel that way at all! This experience has been a "gift". It has helped me to appreciate my blessings and understand what is "truly" important in life.

I also truly believe that I was destined to be sick, but my guardian angle (my grandfather, Bupa, I believe ... or someone else) was waiting for me to be in a place where I could accept it. A place where I had the strength and support and love to be able to deal with it. Otherwise it would have been too hard to heal. Having just got married to the most wonderful man in the world, moved to the Seacoast of NH (where I grew up and always wanted to move back to), left my corporate job to start my own company (a dream for years) and started directing a wonderful group of ladies from the barbershop chorus here in town, Sounds of the Seacoast, I'd say now is as good a time as any! Bring it on (in the words of my good friend, D Dyer).

This experience is still new and some days I have to remind myself that it's even happening. That's really good, but it also has it's heavy side. I'm wiped. Although I am very much in a positive place, I am having a real shitty day. And I hate that I'm having this! Sometimes it's hard to not feel the frustration of knowing that a week from tomorrow I get to be injected with crappy drugs that will make me feel like shit. And every day I tug at my hair and wonder when it will start to fall out. Soon I'm sure, and yes, I will cry, but that's OK. I have a pile of hats and Mom's making me more (we went shopping for material the other day) so when it's time to pull them out, I'll be the most fashionable bald chick on the Seacoast!

Anyway ... overall I'm GREAT! I'm just having a bit of "to hell with this" day. Thanks for allowing me to share it with you. It's probably the best thing I could do ... let it happen ... let the emotion out.

3: After My First Treatment

February 25, 2004

It's official, chemotherapy sucks. But I think half the battle for me last week was just not knowing what to expect. The treatment itself on Wed was fine as was the next day (pretty much). But Fri and Sat I felt like I was hit by a truck. I felt very flu-like ... but different. I'm not sure I can fully explain. I never actually got sick but was just downright miserable - nauseas, constant HUGE headache, dizzy, achy and I couldn't sleep very well because I had to go to the bathroom every hour and I also had the craziest dreams. I have weird dreams anyway - motion picture epics sometimes - but these were different ... almost like I was "plugged in."

I still can't believe I watched Maury Povich two days in a row when I was sick ...

Thank God for Sunday! I woke up feeling more like me again! Praise the Lord there is an end in site (for a few weeks anyway before we get to start it all over again). Midday I totally crashed but I'll take it. Monday was much the same and yesterday (Tue) I was back to normal again. OK! I can deal with this now knowing I'll have about 5 days every week that I am worthless to anyone.

The only real noticeable side effect that is lingering at this point is my hands are quite bruised (because my white blood count is now and will continue to be VERY low so I'll bruise easily and have to be really careful with knives and around sick people). That didn't come out right but you know what I mean. I'm still having trouble sleeping so will call Doctor Mike (my primary) today and see if he can prescribe me something. The last two nights it took two hours to fall asleep. I'm not sure if I'm wound up with energy, if my thyroid has decided to go hyper instead of hypo or what it is. I have also lost about 7 pounds! Now THAT'S a GREAT side effect ... the holidays were not kind to me.

One thing I tried the other day to be able to nap in the afternoon (because I suck at that ... takes too long to "shut down") is Guided Imagery. That stuff is incredible!!! I laid in bed for an hour and listened to this woman's very soothing voice guide me with her words to a totally different place. I'm not sure I could share it in detail without sounding like a flower child on dope, but when I started my chest was tight and my breathing very short ... anxiety. When I was done I felt like mush ... I could hardly move. My breathing was deep, my mind was clear, I'd cried a few times during the exercise (which they encourage you to do) and I felt more rested than if I'd slept. I'm going to try and do that everyday and perhaps that will help me sleep better at night as well.

That's it for now. Next treatment is 3/10. Mom is coming over tomorrow to take me shopping for hat material and then we'll "do lunch." I'll take some pictures of our adventure and post them later this week.

Thank you all for reading and caring and loving me so much! I am so blessed to have the best family and friends (and especially husband ... thank you Kevin) in the world.

2: My First Treatment

February 18, 2004

My first chemo treatment at the Cancer Center at Portsmouth Regional Hospital. Kevin and I arrived at noon but didn't get into the actual treatment area until 1:45. The anxiousness of it all made for a very long morning, but once we got out back and met our "team" (including a woman who performed Reiki on me while I was getting my IV inserted), everything went very well.

1: The Haircut

February 17, 2004

My husband Kevin and I found out last week that chemotherapy is a part of my treatment so I decided before my hair falls out, that I'd take it upon myself to cut it really short so it's not a total shock. Here are some pictures of the process (taken by Kevin).

Introduction

My name is Wendy McCoole and I was diagnosed with breast cancer December of 2003. I put this site together so I could share my journey with friends and family and not bombard them with email updates all the time. It then turned into a longterm effort as I left my corporate job in 2004 to create the non-profit organization, BreastCancerStories.com.

It all began when I found a lump just 2 weeks after a self-breast exam and just 5 days after my OBGYN check-up. Bizzare. My doctor suggested I wait a few weeks to see if it went away after my menstrual cycle, but it didn't. On Tuesday 12/2 I had an ultrasound, on Friday, 12/5 they said it was "suspicious" but likely benign, on Monday 12/8 I saw a surgeon and on Wednesday 12/10 I was in surgery to have the lump removed. That Friday they called to tell me it was cancer - ductal carcinoma, the most common kind - and the following Tuesday I was back in surgery to do a complete lumpectomy. I was absolutely wiped.

Because my Mom had BC 3 times and her sister had it once, they suggested I test for the cancer gene. Talk about anxious waiting! After just over a week we got the results back and I do NOT carry the gene (THANK GOD) so we started to prepare for treatments. Part of my testing showed I was positive for the HER2 protein, meaning my cells grow quickly, and since I am also in a pre-menopausal state, they suggested chemotherapy, followed by radiation.

What I can't say enough throughout this site (and beyond) is how incredibly blessed I am to have the best family and friends in the world! I've received cards, flowers, gifts and so much love, support and prayers. Between that and my continuing to remain positive, I know I am going to be just fine.

The following chapters outline my story. I hope you find them interesting, inspiring and helpful.

Love,

Wendy